RockUrLife met the mighty Steel Panther, several months before the release of the third record, “All You Can Eat”. Satchel and Stix were involved in this interview and you should look at it… really!
Satchel (guitar): Wow look at that Zoom, that’s a big ass fuckin’ mic!
Stix (drums): I haven’t seen that Zoom, which Zoom is that?
I don’t know, it’s the 200€ model I think.
Satchel: 200 years old? This was made 200 years ago?
Stix: Damn, I should buy a new one.
Satchel: Well, you should get an old one, it’s a 200 year mic.
Stix: 200 years ago, wow.
First of all, bitchin’ New Year, how are you?
Satchel: Fucking, I’m kicking ass, what about you?
Stix: Dude, I’m in Paris and doing interviews with Satchel and Steel Panther is rolling the world, I’m awesome.
Satchel: Yeah, that’s fuckin’ awesome, this is the best year that we’ve had, so far this year.
Stix: Yeah, it is the best year that Steel Panther’s had.
Satchel: This year.
Stix: This year. For sure, best 2014 we ever had.
Satchel: I honestly, I’m very very happy about 2014, this year, I’m blown away because I never thought we would be alive.
Stix: This is all extra. Bonus.
Satchel: It really is, because I mean, we rock so fuckin’ hard every day and every night and we party so fuckin’ hard, there’s always a fuckin’ chance that somebody’s heart is gonna explode or there’s gonna be a brain clot. Well, just a normal day where you can OD and die.
Stix: You can definitely die. I mean, people sky dive, people mountain climb, people tight rope walk.
Satchel: Hooo.
Stix: We party.
Satchel: Oh yeah, we fuckin’ party.
Stix: We party for the rush.
Satchel: It’s like a tight rope walk for the brain basically.
Stix: Yeah, mental tight rope, which is our next record!
Satchel: It’s fuckin’ scary as fuck. Sometimes a big line of cocaine can seem like a really long tight rope, going across like two really tower buildings.
Stix: Like, Arc de Triumph and the Eiffel Tower.
Satchel: That’s a super long tight rope.
Stix: It’s a long one.
Satchel: Yeah, I do blow every night.
So that’s freakin’ bitchin’ because your third album is coming out nearly, how do you feel about it?
Satchel: God, I feel… How will you answer this?
Stix: I’m proud of every single record we’ve done but I’m never more proud than right now and what’s about to come because I feel like we’ve been doing all this putting out “Feel The Steel”, “Balls Out” and now there is this awareness for Steel Panther and with “All You Can Eat” the world’s going to take a bit of the fuckin’ awesome songs on that record and when you’ll hear it, it could be like changing.
Why this title “All You Can Eat”? Because it’s bitchin’ great!
Stix: It is bitchin’ great! “All You Can Eat”, I mean, dude can you answer this one?
Satchel: It’s, you know, I feel like it’s the most honest record we’ve done so far. There’re songs that are just from the heart, yeah. I mean, the subject matter is something that everybody can relate to you know “Gangbang At The Old Folks Home”.
Stix: Who hasn’t done that?
Satchel: If you haven’t had a gangbang at an old folk’s home before, that doesn’t mean you haven’t fantasize about it. Everybody, teenage boys say “how would be that like?” “How bitchin’ would that be?” Everybody’s naked and… There’re the most experienced at sex, the old people and they’ve been doing it their whole lives and what if I deliver a pizza to an old folks home and it was like “it’s ON, we’re fuckin’, NOW”.
Stix: Who hasn’t thought of that?
Satchel: You’re going to go with it, you have to! Especially if the old lady has a gun, she’s like “put the pizza down, you’re fuckin’ everybody in there, NOW” “you’ll eat the pizza afterwards”.
Stix: You know, what’s interesting about that is anybody who hadn’t a gangbang at all at the old folks home would now be able to experience it through the joy of song.
Satchel: Yeah exactly! There’s other songs too like “Ten Strikes You’re Out” which I think summs up anybody who’s ever been in a relationship. In the old days, it was called “Three Strikes You’re Out” because there was a game called baseball. We live in a different age now and there’ a lot of stupid girls and if you dump a girl after three strikes it’s going to be like the first couple of hours.
Stix: Sure.
Satchel: You got to give her more strikes. I think ten is like a good.
Stix: Ten is a good number, I mean, you guys are on the metric system right? So ten it is!
Satchel: Ten.
Stix: Ten is a fine number.
Satchel: For me personally, I just got out from a long term relationship, I was with a girl for six days.
Stix: Man, that’s like it would have never end.
Satchel: It was so long.
Stix: Couldn’t believe it she was always around.
Satchel: I can’t give her more chances. I gave her more than ten strikes, like twelve strikes.
Stix: You did?
Satchel: Mainly because she was really fuckin’ hot and she didn’t complain a lot because she was… deaf. Well she might have complain but I just close my eyes; even that, after a while,
Stix: Too much, it’s yelling!
Satchel: Yeah.
Were you afraid she was waiting for a proposal maybe? You know, after six long days.
Satchel: I wasn’t afraid about that because, that will never happen because she knows that everybody in this band, and she knew because I got someone to translate it to her, that this band, Stix is my wife, Michael is my wife, Lexxi is my wife.
Stix: That makes you the man.
Satchel: Right.
Stix: That’s weird.
Satchel: Exactly. We talked about this, I thought we talked about this.
Stix: So wait, we’re like your harem and you’re the man?
Satchel: Kinda, yes.
Stix: Because I feel like I’m the man and I have three wives.
Satchel: That’s the view I view it though. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to be the wife Stix! Is it what we are saying?
Stix: That’s the way I view it.
Satchel: I don’t want to be the wife.
Stix: I know how you feel.
Satchel: Ok, well we can both be the husbands and those guys could be the wives.
Stix: That’s good! Thank you.
Satchel: And I can’t marry anymore wives, you know what I mean, there’re laws against that in certain countries you know, and that girl we had our time together and it was fun, listening her trying to talk, we had our laughs.
Stix: Watching her trying to talk.
Satchel: And she… I didn’t have to put my dick in her mouth to shut her up, which is good, I can tell you for most girls but… We had our time and it was the longest relationship I ever had with a woman.
Stix: Seems like two weeks.
Satchel: Not like sexually, I can last over ten minutes sometimes, but… I don’t want to talk about her anymore. What other questions do you have?
Where do you get those bitchin’ title track ideas? Daily life?
Stix: They’re all real. “Bukakke Tears”.
Satchel: Yeah. You know, lots of guys, you watch porn right? On a regular basis. Of course you do, because you’re a dude and you got internet.
Stix: And you have cock and balls.
Satchel: Cock and balls, and you can’t just, most guys, can’t go and get a girl to come and have all his friends come all over her face; this is something happening on a regular basis with Steel Panther because all girls, in the front row, have their hands up “pick me” and when they come backstage, they don’t know in their heart, it’s always going to end the same.
Stix: Yeah you know, every song, for us is either autobiographical or educational. We’re here, we’ve been sent for a mission from the heavy metal Gods to educate and entertain.
Satchel: And we educate through our own personal experiences. I mean, if a guy has never been involved in a ten-man gangbang with a 17/18 year-old girl.
Stix: What’s the age here? 18 right.
Satchel: So 18 here wink wink.
Stix: That was a wink.
Satchel: They can hear our experiences about songs like “Bukakke Tears”, really that song is about love. And if you’re truly in love and you happen to be with a woman that you love, which I think it’s hilarious, but if you’re in a position like that, that song is about… sometimes a girl isn’t just gonna be satisfied by one penis and girls know that.
Stix: You know!
Satchel: And one day, they’ll eventually say “you know, let’s try and have other dudes in here, full up these other holes” and you know, this particular girl in the song like “I wanna fuck all your friends” right? And then she’s going in it before you know it and she’s like all the dudes cumming out her face and she’s like “I don’t know if I like this anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore”.
Stix: But once it started…
Satchel: She started to cry and once you come in that deep and you got dudes, you know, I mean you can’t really turn back until the last load of shots. You can’t really say “wait hold on, these dudes are ready to load”
Stix: It’s not nice.
Satchel: “I’m done, put the penis away”.
Stix: You’re not going to do that.
Satchel: You can’t say that to the dudes, there’s one dude you didn’t have his load shot, God let him shoot his load!
Stix: Yeah.
Satchel: And then you can call it “game’s off”.
Stix: Never, never deny the love.
The first words of “Gloryhole” talk about France, is it a way to congratulate us ’cause we’re bitchin’ great?
Satchel: It is.
Stix: Everybody knows that there’s plenty places in France where naked ladies do dance. And it’s just like, you know, just like we were talking before. We’re here to document the reality of the situation, we’re in France and we’re celebrating the awesomeness of your culture.
Satchel: You know, that first line “There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance” is actually taken from an old folk song that American children learn at very young age. And it goes:
Satchel & Stix: There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance ; there’s a hole in the wall where the man could see it all.
Satchel: So, in France, for Americans, it’s always been a sexy place. Women fantasize about getting fucked by French dudes all the time.
Stix: Oui oui.
Satchel & Stix : (laughs)
Satchel: That was French! And Americans in general, find that’s a place about love and of course, that’s like the ode to France and how bitchin’… you know, Steel Panther is all about sex and to sing about France in a song like that, which I think it’s a very sexy song and gloryholes are fun right? Even for girls, it’s fun to just go and…
Stix: See a random dick!
Satchel: And see a random penis popping out of the wall and… Even if it’s a big one or a small one, no matter what, you gonna want to suck it right?
Stix: Pretty much.
Satchel: It’s natural tendencies, even for a dude, if there’s nobody around.
Stix: Not too small.
Satchel: Yeah, not too small because you’re going to think if it’s a monkey or something. Let’s face it Stix, even if you’re a dude, and a penis come through there’s going to be a temptation.
Stix: At least, I’ll want to grab it, like a handle.
Satchel: You don’t want to hook the guy up a little bit?
Stix: Well you may look around and see if you can go for it.
Satchel: Nobody’s watching, fuck it! Jack it up for a bit. Any maybe I’ll stick it in my… never mind.
Stix: What?
Satchel: No, I’m just saying… There’s like the temptation.
Stix: Oh yeah, no, yeah.
Satchel: Yeah, not that I’ll gonna do it, but you know.
Stix: Yeah.
Satchel: Nobody’s watching so fuck it you know.
And “The Burden Of Being Wonderful” is it a personal bitchin’ statement?
Stix: Absolutely!
Satchel: It definitely comes from experience, you know.
Stix: I don’t think you can write that song without being wonderful.
Satchel: God, I mean, it’s not easy to be so bitchin’ all the time and people think “Oh my God you guys are so bitchin'”. You know, you don’t have to experience problems, but we do because we are just normal. When you have normally job and you don’t get laid all the time, get to party every fuckin’ day and you think “Oh my God I got to pay my bills, to pay my rents”: THIS IS BULLSHIT! Steel Panther doesn’t have to deal with this but Steel Panther has to deal with other problems.
Stix: We got all other side things.
Satchel: God, I have 15 girls that want to suck my dick today and I can only pick 8!
Stix: Yeah, so we’re gonna hurt someone’s feelings.
Satchel: Somebody’s gonna get hurt.
Stix: And that’s all on us. I don’t really like to hurt people.
Satchel: Some girls aren’t gonna even got the chance to talk to us, we’re going to see our pictures in the magazines and go “Oh my God, how gorgeous Stix is”
Stix: Give me some of that!
Satchel: I’d suck his dick, all day. But I’m never get to because I’m just…
Stix: Because I’m just me.
Satchel: Just a normal girl with killer tits.
Stix: With a nice piece of ass. Big nice juicy lips and killer hair, nice skin and a beautiful nose and nice fuckin’ legs.
Satchel: Calm down bro, we’re doing an interview over here.
Stix: Sorry…
There’s a bitchin’ track called “Big Boobs”, from the band even before you were Steel Panther. Why don’t you play it live?
Satchel: We may at some point. You know the thing is that we still got songs that haven’t put on records but we keep writing more songs.
Stix: And there’s only a little amount of time in a show to play songs and people want to hear “Community Property”, they want to hear “Just Like Tiger Woods”.
Satchel: And now we got a new record and we’re doing some from it. It becomes ever harder to pick up songs to play because there’s always people that’ll want to hear our older shit but now we want to play our newer shits. Of course we never want to be a band like, I hate it when I got to see bands and they won’t play their old shit.
Stix: Because they’ll play an all new set, noooo.
Satchel: But at the same time, I never want to be a band that release a shitty new record, I always want to feel really strong about our new shit, which I feel our new stuff is really good, it’s a fine line because you’ll always think your new shit is good.
Stix: For all of us, it’s a bouncing act between playing live, playing songs that people love and songs that are new and that we want to fuckin’ bring to people.
Satchel: Like that song “Big Boobs” that you mentioned, it’s a good song but I also feel that every song on our new record is better than that song. If I felt like “Big Boobs” was better than everything that we’ve had, that “Big Boobs” would have been on the record but we just keep on writing more bitchin’ songs, that’s a burden right there! We keep on writing bitchin’ songs and “oh my God, there’s too much bitchin’ shit, Steel Panther has got too bitchin'”. The world’s will say “dude, stop putting out bitchin’ songs, we haven’t enough time to listen to all the bitchin’ songs!”
Stix: Lot people don’t have the capacity or won’t have the capacity to take in absolutely everything that we’re putting out because it’s all awesome.
Satchel: Yeah.
Stix: And people only have a certain amount of awesomeness they can hold inside so we don’t want to explode people awesome capacity, that’s why we release records every so often.
Satchel, a little dude kicked your bitchin’ ass on stage, playing guitar, were you depressed after that?
Satchel: No, not at all. Because I know deep down that I can shred that kid’s ass. Like I let him win the contest only because his little. If he was bigger, I would have shredded his ass. But he was like little, I didn’t want to make him cry in front of all those people.
Stix: That wouldn’t have been cool.
Satchel: No, not at all and by letting the little kid win, I got more pussy ’cause the women went “oh my God, Satchel just got shredded by a little kid, I’m gonna suck his dick.” And other will go “oh, I see what Satchel did, he let the little kid win because Satchel is a bigger person… I’m gonna suck his dick.” Either way, I got my dick sucked! How smart is that? And the little kid feels smart by himself. He’s not going to read this French interview, he can’t read French!
Stix: It’s a win-win-win!
Satchel: It’s a win-win-win and I win every fuckin’ time, that little kid felt great for himself even I know I much better.
Stix: You are way better dude.
Satchel: Thank you.
Stix, I saw you on internet, in an bitchin’ ad for beer, what the hell?
Satchel: Yeah, what the hell? Where is my cut from that?
Stix: I just love beer. I fuckin’ love beer.
Satchel: Dude, you get any free beer for us?
Stix: I got one case of beer and I drank it that day. That’s all they pay me in and that’s all, I would even have done it for free because the beer is fuckin’ cool, but they said “we’ll give you a case”.
Satchel: You’re a true artist.
Stix: I’m a real artist. They said “hey Stix, we need a super heavy metal drummer for this commercial and it’s only going to be shown online, in Australia” and I was like “…fuck yeah! I’ll do it” and you know what, I think that commercial is better with having me in it.
Satchel: Dude, are you kidding me?
Stix: Who were they gonna have? Rikki Rockett? NO.
Satchel: They probably sold millions of cases because you’re in it and they only gave you one. You should have got 2 at least and shared it with me.
Stix: One case sounded perfect to me at the time. As long as I have each day covered, I’m fine. One case per apple is about the ratio.
What are your bitchin’ plans now? You should play at the Superbowl. Good idea right?
Stix: We might play the Superbowl one day, maybe, if the NFL…
Satchel: Pulls its head out of his ass
Stix: Yeah and grabs its nuts and put on some spandex and act like big boys, maybe they’ll call us.
Satchel: Maybe if they stop being stupid, they would call this fuckin’ band and maybe they will consider us just having the half-time show, maybe they’ll just cancel the Superbowl and just have a Steel Panther fuckin’ concert!
Stix: Yeah dude, I’m calling it: Superballs!
Motley Crue announced their final bitchin’ tour. Will Steel Panther continue the path of glam rock till the end of the universe?
Stix: Yeah!
Satchel: Absolutely, we’re planning on signing a contract today. Motley Crue signed a contract that they will never tour again, we’re going to sign a contract as a band, saying that we’ll never stop rocking, we’ll always keep touring and the first guy in the band to stop rocking will be put to death.
Stix: By… stones! When the other three have to be the guys who’ll stone him.
Satchel: Which will be appropriate because: death by rock.
Stix: Or death by getting stoned.
Satchel: You can’t die from being stoned?! Can you? Oh maybe you can…
Stix: We’re going to find out!
Satchel: Will you get to be stoned when you’ll be stoned?
Stix: Yeah totally. And the dudes throwing stones will be stoned, what if they just miss?
Satchel: Maybe by the time, the guy will say “I’ll keep rockin’!”
Stix: Okay, I’m good. It sucks to be stoned. (laughs)
Do you take any bitchin’ drugs to stay in shape? Any advice to young bands?
Satchel: I try to be healthy as much as possible so when I do cocaine, I usually put some steroids in there, that helps build the muscles, having biceps and shit, but it also helps to get high. Just have to watch out, sometimes you’re hurt so we assure the other guys to have a defibrillator.
Stix: And adrenaline needles
Satchel: So they can bring me back to life if I’m working out on the bus or something. And I’ve died what, maybe six or seven times now and then brought me back. This blows me away, Nikki Sixx put a book about how he died, I die all the time! The guys bring me back to life all the time and you know what I do? I go back to the workout, assuring to finish the workout.
Stix: He does every single time.
Satchel: I’ve never not finished the workout just because of death.
Stix: It’s pretty awesome to see. It’s like “Tut, tut, tut, tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”.
Satchel: When they hear the flat line, they just stop the Xbox, go and “Clear!” bringing me back to life and I’ll finish my workout.
We are RockUrLife, so what rock your bitchin’ lives?
Stix: Dude, shit like this! Bitches, heavy metal, drugs, France.
Satchel: Pussy, getting high, heavy metal, rockin’.
Stix: That’s like eight things.
Satchel: Girls.
Stix: Nine.
Satchel: Paris.
Stix: Giant titties
Satchel: Killer whales.
Stix: Orcs are fuckin’ rad dude! I’m gonna add an extra one for orcs.
Satchel: Killer whales and orcs. Baby seals. When you think of orcs, you can’t help it not think about the poor baby seals that are feeding.
Stix: It’s a cool cycle. Oh, spandex!
Satchel: Spandex! Spandau Ballet. Remember them.
Satchel: Because without Spandau Ballet, you can’t see how bitchin’ Steel Panther is.
Stix: Hey, I have a question, is Spandau Ballet French? What does it mean?
Hmm.
Satchel: It means pussy Ballet.
Stix: Pussy Ballet? Dude I love doing Pussy Ballet!
Satchel: That’s pretty cool. Pussy Ballet is a great album title.
Stix: It is.
Satchel: Dude, are you going to the Pussy Ballet? Fuck Yeah! It’s in my bed.
Stix: Every night.
I used the word “bitchin’ in every question.
Stix: I know you did.
Do I bitchin’ rock?
Stix: Well okay, let’s just start over with that question. You did use bitchin’ in every questions and I noticed that. But you wouldn’t say “do I bitchin’ rock?” You would say “Am I bitchin’?”
Satchel: Right.
Stix: And I would absolutely say that you are bitchin’.
Satchel: Fuck yeah you’re bitchin’ bro! You’re hanging out with to of the main guys of Steel Panther right now.
Stix: Yup. And you know what? You’re fuckin’ handsome.
Satchel: That sounded gay. But you are fuckin’ handsome and I’m not saying it in a gay way like Stix did.
Stix: I’m saying it in any gay way. And you fuckin’ love heavy metal.
Satchel: Fuck yeah you do!
Stix: You’re smart enough to get yourself in a position where you’re talking to 2 dudes who are the leaders of the most heavy metal band ever.
Satchel: We aren’t only the most heavy metal dudes in Steel Panther but we also are the smartest ones and the most musical ones. And we get the most pussy if you ask by the way.
Stix: Yup.
Well the world wants to know, which band member got the biggest cock in the band? Tell us!
Satchel: WOW.
Stix: Me!
Satchel: Well you’re talking to two dudes with the biggest penis. We don’t actually compare directly because it’s that’s where it gets weird. Because you actually have to touch them, to put dicks right together and measure them.
Stix: I’m fine with it just for the record. Stix is fine with it. Someone seems to have problems with it. Just sayin’.
Satchel: I know where your dick’s been.
Stix: I do.
Satchel: I know (laughs) I’m just a little bit scared about that.
Stix: I get it, I get it.
Satchel: Because every time we do that, your dick seems very soggy.
Stix: Can’t help it dude.
Satchel: He’s got SD: Soggy Dick. So it’s hard to measure dicks when one of the dudes has a soggy dick.
Stix: We trying to do when I was super dry. (laughs)
Satchel: My dick never was super dry. (laughs)
Stix: It is super dry (laughs)
Satchel: It’s just a normal dry day.
Stix: (laughs) Hey you know, C’est La Vie, thank you.
Satchel: Well some dicks seem to, when your dick is being dripping other seems too dry.
Stix: I guess that’s what it is.
Satchel: We are different in dick-ommunity.
Stix: But our parametric systems always been the same.
Satchel: Always 72.3° degrees.
Website: steelpantherrocks.com
